HONEY NOTE: when things get good I get nervous.

I did a freestyle for Cordae’s two tens challenge and I told myself that there was no doubt in my mind that I would win it. Then he dueted the video and I couldn’t even bring myself to watch it. My mom is now actively stalking this dude's account waiting for him to announce the winners of the challenge. I kinda just wanted to forget it all happened. Why? I’m not too sure. 

My mom didn’t even know I made music until like 1 year ago. At first, it felt good to be more open about what I love to do but now it just feels like yet another thing I have to worry about failing at. Like, I’m being honest with everyone about how much I want this thing. And now if it doesn’t work it feels like a huge stain on my life. 

I know that I should NOT think that way but I just feel so vulnerable and scared.

I have not felt like myself for three years and I think it’s time to realize that there is no going back to that version of me. I’m scared of moving forward because it’s just a big fat ominous question mark. The past no longer serves me. I am not that girl. But if I am not her, who am I? I’m scared to move forward because I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to want anything.

It’s hard. Everything feels so hard. I ghosted my therapist because that lady do not understand me. I’m trying but it’s hard. I’m working but it’s hard. I’m trying to regain hope but it’s hard. I want to feel something. But it’s hard lol. 

I’m trying to figure out what’s next. I think I just have to just embrace the messiness now. Shit only gonna get more serious as things progress for me. I gotta stop letting people punk me out of my dreams. The crazy thing is that it’s not even PEOPLE actively punking me but rather the IDEA of people attempting to do so. Like, I’m afraid of things that possibly could happen in imaginary scenarios. Anxiety is such an unserious problem like bitch open your eyes??? 

I know that I’ve got something special. I’m scared because I’m not that sure of what it is or what it’s meant to be. I have to let myself be unpolished. I have to give myself room to experiment and grow. 

I moved away from everybody about two years ago. I got so stressed during the pandemic that I really didn’t know if I was going to make it out on the other side. I used to get so drunk and just fall into a fucking pit of despair. I was literally losing my mind and the only other person I could really be open with was actively using me as an emotional punching bag.

So I ran away from everything. I cut out everything that stressed me out. The job, the dude, the friends, the drinking, etc etc. I ate salads and went on 4-mile walks in the sun and I just let myself breathe. I’ve never just let myself be. This was really the first time I didn’t measure my happiness or self-worth based on my level of productivity.

But I swung so far on the other side that now I think it’s a lil toxic. I have like 0 tolerance for anything stressful. I’m slowing down. I’m losing a sense of urgency for really anything.

Ultimately I think I needed to experience this side. But now I guess I just gotta get into the swing of things so I can find more of a balance. Idk. I want there to be a neat little wrap up at the end of this that’s hopeful and sweet but just know I’m trying to get better lmao.

 there’s no end, I’m still breathing and I’m still trying.